People have been asking how I discovered that I have prosopagnosia (face blindness). Until now, my answer has been quick and easy. In April 2012, I was in a car accident. When I realized that I could not recognize some people who felt familiar, I looked more closely at pictures. Two years later, I learned about prosopagnosia while studying photographer (see Chuck Close). Last month I met with my neurologist after hearing an Oliver Sacks interview. My doctor confirmed that I had prosopagnosia. More importantly, he told me that I was not going crazy (or something like that).
But the real answer is neither quick nor easy. For the first three years, I created explanations. I even looked for Sacha Baron Cohen.
You see, when I first noticed my difficulty recognizing people, I did not know about face blindness. I did not know it was a real thing until last year. Even now, I doubt the existence of prosopagnosia and I have met with my neurologist. It does not feel real. I am not blind. I see. I see faces. I recognize people. How could I forget faces? How could I go my whole life believing that I recognize people the same way that most people do?
I knew something was wrong. I kept notes and created a list of possible explanations. Some of the explanations seem crazy... and they felt crazy. Face blindness was not on the list. I thought that everyone knew something that I did not, but I did not realize that other people could recognize faces (and I couldn't). It seemed more likely that I was being tricked or that my brain was damaged during the accident. I waited for Candid Camera or Punk'd. Where was Spinal Tap? (But these go to eleven.) I really looked for Sacha Baron Cohen. I did not know his next movie or character, but I thought it was a possible explanation... much more possible that face blindness. I mean, who looks at a picture of someone and can't tell the difference between Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, Kate Hudson and Chelsea Clinton? That's weird.
Here is a partial list:
I thought that a large group of people were trying to trick me or test me.
I thought that I was being tested by a secret group or God.
I thought I had died or I was in a coma.
I thought that I suffered a brain injury that blocked my ability to remember people, but allowed me to see other things really well.
I thought that an education organization or art collecting was testing me.
I thought that I had entered a reality television show, but I did not know which one. I did not know when it had started.
I thought that I was communicating with computers.
I thought that I was communicating with my pictures or the people I photographed were communicating with me.
I thought that musicians were interacting with me.
I thought songwriters were collaborating with me.
I thought that my family was writing to me, but I did not know how to define family.
I was scared, but calm. I believed in God... like really believed in God.
I always felt that I was being prepared for something bigger, even when I thought that I might be dead. I thought that I was being challenged to love everyone. I thought I was given some strange gift. I thought that I was given a chance to love people I could not see, even if people were trying to trick me.
All of these still seem more likely than being face blind (when you don't know it exists). Being Face Blind is just too weird. How could I forget faces? How could I not remember my own face? I have a good memory, I just don't remember faces. I make connections.
I try to create linear conversations, but I don't think that way. Perhaps it is because I don't remember faces AND because I connect other memories to compensate. Originally, I was going to post this on 10/01, because I waited. I could write a whole post on the reasons I waited from 10/01 to 10/04 to 10/05. The short version about why I posted on 10/05 is that I remember a quote from two different places. I was looking through a top 30 Sacha Baron Cohen quotes and I wanted to see my favorite. It was not listed. My favorite quote is about Dar Five. (Why is everyone so concerned about Darfur?) When I remembered that quote (from ten years ago), I remembered a segment from more than 30 years ago. I think it was Leonard Bernstein. His piece was called "Inflationary Language." I remember it from when I was a kid. I researched him today. By the way, he helped found
The Academy for the Love of Learning. He found a way to inspire me across the decades... or I just have a strange memory.
Post Script: The Next Morning - I searched the internet and I was wrong about the Inflationary Language artist. It was Victor Borge. Using the computer and internet, I could quickly verify my knowledge as long as I knew some information. My experience verifying the identity using faces is the opposite. The more I searched faces, the less I know about identity... and there are a lot of faces on my computer and Facebook and Google Images.
Originally, I was going to post on 10/01, because I wanted to connect the date to this last point. 10/01 looks like glasses and the date is a series of ones and zeroes which are used for computer programming. I know that I see differently and I wear glasses. I also use computers and the internet. I teach computer responsibly and during the last few years, people have been reluctant to believe that computer security is important. People have been more likely to believe that I am face blind than to believe that my computer was hacked remotely. I have been more likely to question nearly everything, including a 26 year old killing students at a Roseburg community college, so I chose not to write that day, but not before feeling that we are all missing something.
Comments