So yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of the worst day of my life. There might have been some days that were worse, but receiving the phone call from my step-mother that my father had shot himself was pretty bad. The following days seemed like one long day.
I have done something meaningful every August 16th the last ten years and I will probably continue to do so. Yesterday I published this post on my photography blog.
When I am not listening to country music, I have been listening to Gil Scott-Heron. Mostly, I have listened to Pieces of a Man. I had written some really good stuff for the post, but it did not fit for my my mood. Somehow, I started to feel grateful the last few days.
Yesterday was not all smiles and sunshine. I cried. I pushed past my limits, and yet I know that I learn about myself when I search through the pieces of a man.
As to the post, the title is a reference to Scott-Heron's most popular song The Revolution Will Not Be Televised. The song was before hip-hop and rap, and should probably be mentioned when serious critics discuss the first rap song or the history of hip-hop. (Actually, many influential hip-hop and rap artists mention Gil Scott-Heron). It's not like I discovered him, because I was on the corner of 125th and Lenox.
Originally, I was going to write more about how technology has been marketed (sold and bought) as a revolutionary tool. More recently Twitter launched the Arab Spring. (perhaps this was over-sold). More recently, terrorists have learned how to use Twitter. I would include links to some of the current stories, but I have turned a new leaf. If you must google heads on a stick, go ahead and do it. I am going to stick to being positive.
I am still learning. I tweeted a picture of me and Tinker Bell. I wrote TinkleBell. I was tired and probably need to use the bathroom. In fairness to me, my hotel room was so big, I couldn't find the bathroom. I think the good people at DoubleTree by Hilton Sacramento knew that I needed something special.
Speaking of Tinker, I had also intended to write more about Mary Beth Tinker. She was a student who changed how adults listen to students. She also became a pediatric nurse. As a person with epilepsy, I want more nurses in schools. I also want more examples of student press rights. I am not so sure what I think about recycling Mary Beth Tinker. (If you look at Tinker Bell and Mary Beth Tinker, I think that they look alike.)
One day I fear that an organization will bring me back for something I did 40 years after the fact and congratulate me. It's not that Tinker does not deserve recognition. It just seems more like an indictment on everyone involved from the time Tinker was a teenager until now.
I also learned during last week that creating an outline is a more complicated form of thinking than drawing a picture. So in the future, I might use this site to add pictures and links and later post on my other site. I had started using songs and pictures to create my post, and found that I was really thankful. I honestly could not reconcile how I was going to be a national voice for people with disabilities (especially epilepsy) and yet not keep my teaching job. I kept struggling with attaining some pretty big accomplishment but losing small battles.
It didn't make sense to me. I was ready to quit... until yesterday. I am saving some of my notes for my book or a later post. I really am grateful. If I had not lost so many small battles, I would not have gone on to accomplishing improbable tasks. I see Forest Gump and think, "Run me! Run!
A few more notes and links to save.
If not for tragedy, I would not have attended UCSB and become a Women's Studies major. I would not have walked into Sarah Fenstermaker's office without shoes. I would not have worked for Walter Capps. I would not have been an Executive Director of a hunger relief non-profit. If not for epilepsy I would not have learned how to use coputers and the internet as well as I did.
If I had not been homeless, I would have missed working for Walter Capps and the non-profit. I would have missed attending Trinity Episcopal Church. I would have missed many of the connections I have made and maintained through the church.
Because I have epilepsy, I learned that some people need help with college. Because my dad committed suicide, I stayed in a job working for a photography college longer than expected and I learned that many students did not have access to information about college. So I helped start a county wide college fair. I also learned more photography. Much more photography.
I know more photographers than many successful photographers. I know more about high school photgrapher than almost anyone. I have taught workshops, judged and critiqued national photography contests at least fourteen times. The workshops I created and co-facilitated have helped advance the quality of high school photography. I had no business teaching those classes, except that I knew what I was doing, because I was put in those situations. (True Story: There were a few days when I started to question whether Dave LaBelle, Jim McNay, Mark Murray and a differeny Bradley were real. I really had no business presenting with them, except I did.)
I have not chosen my fields of study, but I have been relentless. Every day I must be that way merely to survive. Around this time of year (and when a celebrity committs suicide), I am often asked if I am suicidal. God no, I am just not made that way. I am not better than anyone else. I do not quit easily. Often I become good at something before I realize it.
I have been able to work at Upward Bound as a college student and as an adult. How many people can do that? How many white men can say that they have done that? I have loved it, but I am often the first and only person to have done something. I do not even know if I am good at it. I am the only one who has done it.
Somehow I lost my job in Oakland Unified School District. I waited until I had kids. Now my kids attend a district school and my kids practice diversity even more than I do... and I do a lot. My kids do more. They do not have much choice either.
I have a list of Farleyisms on my other blog. One of the quotes is about the achievement gap. The actual quote is this
- If you are working to close the achievement gap, you are aiming to low.
Each time I revisit the quote I can't decide if I should change the spelling or leave it, which is part of the beauty of the quote. White kids whose primary language is English do not learn much in this country. Why are people of color trying to reach THAT standard? I have two white kids. I don't want my kids to shoot that low. If you want to inspire me, you got to do better than that. I might as well sell my house and move to the suburbs.
Maybe in my next post I will use Scot-Heron's "Home Is Where The Hatred Is" for some phrasing around Talk About It and Walk About It. (You keep saying, kick it, quit it, kick it, quit it, but did you ever try....)
I was resentful for a several weeks that I was more vulnerable than most people and it seemed that I was seen as intense or strange and yet I was doing what had been asked. The payoff sucked. It seemed that many people wanted to know if I were OK because of everything I had shared. Well, I was fine with everything I was shared. I was not always fine with some of the way people had responded, but I was fine with myself.
Then I got over it. Then I got even better. Then I danced with Tinker Bell and I was really good. (Tinker Bell is a real person. )
As I started to notice all the things I had done, I realized that I could not have been the first or only person to have done something if other people had not given me the chance. I have more friends than most people I know. I have tested friends and family and nearly everyone has remained loyal. I have lost a few friends, and I understand why I have lost them.
These last notes are just some stuff.
Art brain
Diversity, WmSt, Ep, Bilingual
Parents, Unions, Teachers
Photographer - Finalists
Krauss, Pray in the Valley
Upward Bound 50 years, as a student and at USF
Americorps TEAMS
Credentialed
walk about it
talk about it epfoundation ec, Talk About it More, Talk About it (easy),
Aug 14 birthdays, magic, martin (who does magic) disney, father of the bride connection
sometimes i think about how unfair it is that I have had epilepsy and a father who committed suicide. Do you know how many close friends I have? My father is not alive, but I have many father figures. People who I care about deeply care about me, many people I would not have met if tragedy had not visited me or a member of my family.
brothers who aren't
chad, grover, jaime, reza, dave, jason, bradley, dan, esparza, mark, dave, pope, some who are more like fathers. I needed you too.
Civil Rights
who I met -
photographers ...
Capps
marathon
Take care and risks... but with experience, my message has changed. Take Risks and Take Care.
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