Instead of attending another Tim McGraw concert Sunday, I attended another Mother of an Angel event in the Central Valley on Monday. Usually, the events are for mothers who have lost children. Monday was family day, and because I photographed the group last year, I am now family.
Since last year, there are a few more members and a few more tattoos....
Kim Libecki lost her son Zachary in December 2008.
Joining this exclusive group is not the same as joining the Tim McGraw Fan Club. Though Martha Tessmer and the other mothers welcome new members, they do so with a heavy heart. It is one thing to "Live Like You Are Dying." It is another, to live when you feel like dying. But the families find a way.
Unfortunately, many families do not find a way to make it. Most families fall apart after the death of a child, which is probably why I appreciated the photos last year of Martha and her husband Duane. I shared my appreciation with him Monday, and how I often looked at the photos of him and his wife from the previous summer. They supported each other. They shared their grief. Instead of turning against each other, they turned towards each other.
So that others can see those photos again, I am including a small gallery from last August of Duane and Martha Tessmer in Donovan's Garden
Duane and Martha - Images by bryan farley
During our discussion Monday, Daune shared that he was the only father, in a group of 12, who attended the first support group after his son died. He found that odd. Even if every man knew how to grieve on his own, wouldn't husbands want to support their wives? Is it any surprise that 90% of marriages fail after the death of a child? At a time when spouses need each other the most, spouses seem to support each other the least.
This is understandable, but tragic. Families are also destroyed, and many members of the Mothers of an Angel group know this when they welcome a new member. Fortunately, the newest member was joined by her husband at family night. Her son and one year old grandson attended too.
In case anyone thinks Duane is smug, he is not. He is humble; he certainly is not arrogant, which is another reason I am impressed by him. Marriage is not easy, but he has been intentional about staying with it. He discussed how he remembered on his wedding day chosing to be with his wife "through thick and thin...." I loved his description. In my church, we often discuss "thin spaces." These thin spaces are not for the weak of faith or the weak hearted. But neither is marriage or parenthood. Or life... and yet there are moments when we are weak, and we need the comfort of others, especially when we feel thin.
While I am grateful that health care has helped us decrease infant mortality and increased life expectancy, our life has also distanced us from grief and the ability to heal. I wonder if Elisabeth Kubler-Ross would recognize the 21st century steps for dealing with grief.
Step 1. Denial.
Step 2. Repeat Step 1.
Some two-steps seem more sad than a good country song.
So while I am an official member of the Tim McGraw Fan Club, I am an unofficial member of the Mothers of an Angel fan club. These powerful women and their families remind us how to grieve. They remind us how to support each other and move beyond the new two-step.
Perhaps, more men (and more women) will help create a meaningful grief dance soon.
Mothers of Angels Two Step - Images by bryan farley
