"What have I lost in order to achieve influence, a sense of my own self importance? What relationships suffer because I choose to do such a good, such powerful good, even good under the artful guise of humble service to the Church?"
Reverend Anne Howard, quoted in Nora Gallagher's 1998 book Things Seen and Unseen
In the week leading up to my seventh Father's Day, I asked many questions including those above. I wondered how I wanted to spend this Father's Day. Did I want to do something fatherly? Did I want to do something to honor my father? Did I know what it meant to be a father? To my kids? In this Country? In the year 2010?
I have also wondered how I would leave my children. I accept how my father left; I hope I do better.
Last year, when I photographed my kids, I combined old photographs of my father and photographs of my children into a slideshow. I created new black & white photographs next to sepia and color. I think I was inspired by a Jamey Johnson song called In Color.
Father's Day, 2009. by josette johnson
This year, I could have spent Father's Day photographing a concert. Jamey Johnson was one of the performers. It seemed like a test. Go take photographs that reminded me of my father on Father's Day or stay with my kids ... on Father's Day.
Luckily, my good friend Jay Esparza visited early Sunday evening. Jay drove to San Francisco with his youngest daughter; they were on their way to spend Father's Day with Jay's older daughter. Jay gave me my "dad shirt." It is my favorite shirt; I have worn it the last two Father's Days.
Fathers Day - Images by bryan farley (the photos of me are by josette johnson and my kids) Click on the blue "Father's Day" link to launch a larger slideshow.
Despite my consternation, 2010 was my best Father's Day yet. I spent my day being a dad. There are other times, when I will return to Anne's questions and feel empty. Life is full of choices. Choices have consequences. When I spend time helping others, I am not spending time with my children, especially when I travel across the country. I sacrifice time with my kids. Relationships suffer while I am building others. People cannot "have it all."
And if we cannot have it all, what do I want? As a Father?
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